I was so confused when I went outside tonight.

Why?

What were all those things on the deck?

Those were leaves.

Aren’t they supposed to be on the trees?

Remember…..in the fall the leaves “fall” off the trees.  Didn’t you hear the wind blowing real hard today?  I think the wind knocked down all sorts of leaves.

Why doesn’t the wind knock down leaves in the summer?

It does, but just not as much.  The leaves are glued on stronger in the spring and summer but by the time fall comes, that glue is old and worthless and then the leaves fall.

I didn’t want to step on the leaves  ‘cuz some of them were kind of crunchy and made a funny noise.

You’ll get used to it.  Have you noticed that the big light in the sky seems to be shining less?

Are the batteries running out?

No, in the fall and winter the days get shorter ‘cuz the sun doesn’t shine for as many hours here.

Why?

It’s all part of the seasons and it’s too complicated to explain to you right now.  I think the easiest way to explain it is this:  humans around here don’t like to be able to see how miserable and cold winter is so if the sun shines fewer hours, then they don’t have to look at the snow and ice as much.  It’s harder to see at night and then the humans are happier.

You’re so smart!!!

We were wondering about the names of the days of the week so we decided to put our kitty brains to the test and see if we could come up with reasons for the names you humans have applied to each day.

It wasn’t easy for us ‘cuz you know we often don’t understand the things you humans do and say.

Today is Sunday and that’s easy ‘cuz it means the sun should be shining all day.

We think you humans were taking a risk with that ‘cuz we can remember Sundays that were real cloudy so it could have easily been called “Cloudday” instead.

Monday was also kind of easy  ‘cuz Mom told us most humans don’t like Mondays ‘cuz it means the beginning of a long hard week of work.  So, “Mon” sounds like “moan”.

That means we think the name is really supposed to be “Moanday”.

Tuesday could have a couple of different meanings.  It could be that it should be called “Toothday” ‘cuz it’s the day humans should go to their dentists.

Don’t expect us fur people to buy into that!

It could also be “Twosday” and that means humans should do things two times.

That means you should feed your fur people TWO breakfasts and TWO dinners and TWICE as many treats.  I kind of like calling it “Twosday”.

Wednesday didn’t really make much sense to us until we started thinking about our catnip growing outside.  We decided it should really be “Weednesday” and humans should pull out all of the weeds from their gardens so the catnip can grow strong and tall

Mom knows I love to drink fresh running water out of the faucet in the bathroom sink so we think Thursday should really be “Thirstday” and all the humans and fur people should make sure they get plenty of fresh water that day.  Mom, please remember to turn on the faucet for me on “Thirstday”.

The end of the work week is on Friday and by then most humans are “fried” so the name should really be “Friedday”.

We have a great idea for Saturday.  After working hard all week, humans are really tired.

We think they would love to be able to say at the end of the day, “My what a glorious “Satallday” I had!”  Sure makes sense to us.

That’s what we think about the names of the days of the week.

How many agree with us?

Since today really is “Sunday”, we’re going to ask Mom to let us go out and play in the sun.

Mom was talking to us about the seasons the other day.

She said the season now is fall.

I think humans call it that because the leaves fall down and the temperature falls down.

You’re really smart, Hemingway.

I know.  That’s because while you’re taking a nap, I’m looking up things on the internet so I can talk to humans and make sense of what they’re saying.

Mom said she likes fall because before the leaves fall down to the ground, they turn all sorts of pretty colors.

Don’t you remember last year when that happened?

No.  I was still too little and I was more interested in playing than in looking outside.

Mom also told me that in other years she’s taken road trips out into the country to take pictures.

That sounds like fun!

I’m sure it is.  However, I got a little confused ‘cuz she said she liked to find places along dirt roads where there are “cat tails” so she can take pictures.  I was afraid that she wasn’t telling us something.  Like maybe when we get really old our tails might fall off and somehow end up in ditches along some dirty, dusty road.

Oh no!!!!!  That sounds gruesome.  And why would Mom want pictures of that???

That’s what I thought so while she was at work today I looked it up on the internet.  We don’t have to worry about losing our tails ‘cuz Mom is actually talking about cattails and that’s a plant.  I even found a picture.

I’m so glad you straightened that out for me.  I may tattle on you and bug you, but I do love you and it’s really neat that you are teaching me things. 

I’m glad I can help.

My tail is way too beautiful to be sitting in a ditch by some gravel road.  Why on earth do humans put such strange names on things?

Shakespeare, you are a big tattletale!

I did it for your own good.

You got me into trouble with Mom.

I was afraid you were going to get hurt.

Let me tell the humans what happened.

Go ahead…….and then I’ll tell them the truth!

Mom let us outside to play and we were having a good time.  It was a little windy and kind of cool, but there was lots to see.  I wanted to check on our catnip ‘cuz we hadn’t had rain for a long time and I was worried about it.  So, I discovered that I could push the gate open just enough so I could get to the other side.  I was just over there checking on the catnip.

You didn’t belong on the other side of the gate.  It’s dangerous out there!

Anyway, I was just walking around and old tattletale sits on the deck making his most pitiful meows.

I wanted to get Mom’s attention so I meowed and looked at the gate.  Mom caught on pretty quick, but she still thought you were out in the yard.

I heard her walking around out there calling my name so I figured I should get back inside the gate real quick.  Only problem is that she caught me coming back into the yard.  Busted!!!

She wasn’t very happy with you.

I know.  I had to go back inside the house and you got to stay outside.

Mom even told me I was a good kitty for telling on you and I got an extra treat.

But I just wanted to check on the catnip!!!!

Mom said I have a big heart.

Everything about you is big!

Shakespeare, be nice.  I’m trying to have a serious kitty discussion and you shouldn’t make fun of me.

Sorry.  I guess I just get ornery at times.  It’s the orange in my fur.  Why did Mom say you have a big heart and is it something serious?  Should I be worried?

That’s what I was wondering so I tried to look some information up on the internet.  You know, I still don’t understand this language that humans use.  Some of it makes sense, but some of it is just beyond my kitty brain.  It’s just not always logical.

You can say that again!  For instance, what do they mean when they say it’s raining cats and dogs?  I’ve never in my life seen that!

Whatever……….  Anyway, I think when Mom said that I have a big heart, she was paying me a compliment.  It seems when you say someone has a big heart, it means they care about people and animals.

Oh, now I understand!  Mom really was paying you a compliment.  I’ve seen how you try to take care of old Ebony.  She’s a very old lady dog now and has lots of aches and pains.  You always go lie beside her to help keep her warm.

Well, I feel sorry for her.  When Mom’s sick I stay close to her and try to make her feel better, too.

You really are a cat with a big heart.  Maybe some day my heart will grow bigger, too.  I care for people and animals but I don’t always show it like you do.

Hey……..that’s just like humans!  Some care quietly and others care through actions.  Did they learn that from us?

I don’t know.  Can I go back to being ornery again?

One of you humans out there must have told Mom that we were bragging about being able to fool her.

Why would you rat on us?  We’re so cute!

Well, all I’ve got to say is that none of you humans better ever believe Mom if she tries to tell you she’s not smart.

That’s for sure!

We both got to go outside tonight and thankfully some of you humans must have closed your refrigerator doors ‘cuz it wasn’t as cold as last night.  I saw the perfect chance to go exploring further when Mom left the gate open while she got that wet-making thing for the plants.  I calmly walked out the gate, but Mom spotted me right away.  I thought about running but decided that wouldn’t be smart.  Mom picked me up and I figured my time outside was over.  I was really surprised when she said I could stay out a little longer.

I’m never bad like Hemingway is!

Oh yes you are!  You just don’t always get caught.

I know.  That’s ‘cuz I’m sneaky.

But not sneaky enough to fool Mom ‘cuz you didn’t stay out very long tonight, either.

It’s that stupid tin container that Mom keeps our food in.  When she rattles that I get so excited that I just come running in the door and then it’s too late.

That’s how she got me in tonight, too!

See……human Moms can really be sneaky when they want their way!

I just want to ask all the humans out there one thing.

Oh, this should really be good!

Who left the refrigerator door open?

What are you talking about?

Have you stuck your nose outside at all today?

You know Mom doesn’t let us go outside on Wednesday nights ‘cuz she has to go practice singing in the choir.

I wonder if she’ll ever get those notes right?

You’re going off the subject again.  What about the refrigerator door?

Well, I think that’s what happened ‘cuz it’s cold outside!!!  I was sitting in the window and it was a little bit open so I could feel the cold air.  Therefore, I figured lots of humans must have left their refrigerator doors open so all the cold air could escape.

Wouldn’t that ruin all the food inside?

Probably, but can you give me another reason why it suddenly got cold outside?

I’m too tired to think about that now.  Let’s go crawl under the covers on Mom’s bed.

Ok………….but you humans better shut those refrigerator doors!  We don’t like it when it’s cold.

It really doesn’t take much to confuse Mom on Mondays.

Or any other day!

You better be careful.  If she reads this, you’re going to be in big trouble!!

Anyway, we got her kind of confused tonight.  When she came home from work, she fed Ebony out on the deck, gave us our treats inside and then asked us if we wanted to go outside to explore.

We were more than ready to go running out the back door.

However, there was something wrong.

I didn’t notice it when I ran outside, but Shakespeare did and he was real slow about going out the door.

You better tell the people why, so they don’t think I’m just a scaredy-cat.  I have legitimate reasons for being scared.

Normally outside every now and then there is this wet stuff that falls from the sky and helps keep the grass and catnip green.

I love catnip…….

We haven’t had any of that wet stuff here for a long time and everything is starting to look kind of brown and ugly.  Mom likes to keep the flowers growing so she puts this thing out in the yard that makes a strange noise and sends that wet stuff flying all over the place.

We don’t like that!

No, I really don’t like to get wet so I try to find the places in the yard where that thing can’t reach me.  Tonight it was kind of hard ‘cuz there’s lots of wind and that just blows that wet stuff even further.

Why did Mom have to turn it on before we went outside?

I don’t know.  I thought she would wait until we were back inside.

I think that was kind of a mean thing for Mom to do.

Now you know you don’t mean that!  If Mom didn’t have that wet-making thing out there, our catnip wouldn’t grow and we wouldn’t have any.

I guess you’re right.

Anyway, we confused Mom ‘cuz we only spent about five minutes outside tonight and we both came to the door to be let back inside.  She didn’t have to call us and she didn’t have to chase us.

We are such good kitties!!!

I’m soooooooooo happy!  Mom gets to stay home for two days now and I’m sure that means she plans on letting us outside to play for really long times.

We can only hope.  Did you see that the church across the street has a festival this weekend?

What’s a festival?

It’s like a big party outside.

Hey, I think I know what else it is.  Festival sounds like feast and feast means lots of food!  There’s going to be lots of food over there, right?

I think so.  Mom said we would be able to smell all sorts of things tomorrow.

Smell?  I want to eat!!!  Do you think we can go over there?

I doubt it.  Mom said there are going to be lots of people and lots of cars and we could get stepped on or hit.

That wouldn’t be any good at all.  I have an idea!!!

I’m sure you do.

What if we told all the people to jump up in the air at the same time?    Then while they’re all off the ground we could run around and check things out.

You have the strangest ideas.  I think you’ve been watching too many movies.

Well, what if we told all the humans to climb up in the trees so we could explore?

That might work but I’m sure there are some humans who would be afraid to climb the trees and they would still be walking around and our tails could get stepped on.

So the best idea is to stay home and let Mom feed us?

Works for me!  Except there’s one problem.

What?

Did you see the picture that Mom found?  She said it made her laugh right out loud.

What was it?

It was two rather chunky dogs running like crazy and they looked rather funny.   Mom said it made her think of me and if I’m not careful I could end up looking like that.

You’re going to look like a dog?

Not exactly.  I think Mom meant that I might get too big to run gracefully.  Before I go to see the doctor man again I better get my furry body back into a lean mean machine.

Want to see if Mom has any treats?

Sure.  I can exercise tomorrow.  Oh, here’s the picture that Mom was laughing about:

What’s choir practice?

I think that’s where a bunch of humans get together and sing.  Why?

Mom said we couldn’t go outside tonight after work ‘cuz she has to go to choir practice.

I don’t think that’s a valid excuse!

Why can’t we go to choir practice?

Yeah……we can sing!

We would do a great job.

Mom says the humans sing different parts in choir.  Do you know what a part is?

I thought it was something humans did with their hair.

This is getting too confusing.

I still don’t think it’s fair that Mom can go out tonight and we can’t.  There ought to be a law!

Let’s make our own laws.

OK!!!  First law is:

Kitties get treats when the Mom gets home and then they get to go outside.

All in favor say yes!

YES!!!!!

Think it will work?